Handling Loss
One of the life lessons I hope to be able to teach our child is how to grieve. At this point, I can only hope to teach them because I am not sure that I have learned how best to grieve yet. I do know that it is important to do or the pain will bite us later when we least expect it. But, knowing just how best to grieve is a skill I am unfortunate enough to keep learning to perfect.
So many different losses can teach us how to grieve. The obvious ones are losing a loved one, being wronged by someone important to you, or thinking you had a cookie left, but realizing you do not. Okay, so I grieve through levity sometimes. What can I say? I did say I am still learning.
One loss that can sit like a lump in your throat and leave you wondering what level of grief is appropriate is the loss of someone once important to you with whom you had fallen out of touch. Memories of that person flood in and seem so current and relevant when you hear that they have passed away. As you discover the details of the life they went on living after you parted ways, you cannot help but relate to those who love them now and were likely the most present thing in their mind as they passed. You realize that while they did not occupy the same presence in your everyday life that they once did, they have had a profound effect on you in some way. You grieve the loss of that potential relationship, even if it was effectively put on pause years ago.
This week, I am grieving the loss of a former coworker and friend from the first few years after we moved to Colorado. Her interest in my resume is why we are currently living here and her hiring me contributed to the path we are currently living. It is hard to separate memories of her from our early days in our new home, new careers, new lives. Although our connection had grown distant in the past few years, she came up now and again and I was always pleased to learn of her happiness in her new life, full of adventure and a devoted love with her partner.
Her death was sudden, tragic and much too soon. In these cases, I always struggle with accepting this new reality. I never can stomach any contemplated reason for the loss. For her love, who was planning to propose the day she died, and her community, who lost their daughter, sibling and friend on Mother's Day, I offer this as a gentle reminder that she will always be with them.
One of the most important aspects I take from each loss, and probably the number one lesson I have to pass on to our as yet unknown baby, is to cherish what I have with me in the living. It sounds trite, but life really is fragile and can be unexpectedly taken from us at any time. Until you have lived that reality, it is near impossible to believe. Once you have lived through that reality, you do not take anyone for granted..for a while at least. It is painful to realize you needed another reminder to hold your loved ones close, but the reminders are also so important in order to keep us present and aware of the love and beauty that surrounds us.
Tonight, I wish you peace and gratitude.
One of the life lessons I hope to be able to teach our child is how to grieve. At this point, I can only hope to teach them because I am not sure that I have learned how best to grieve yet. I do know that it is important to do or the pain will bite us later when we least expect it. But, knowing just how best to grieve is a skill I am unfortunate enough to keep learning to perfect.
So many different losses can teach us how to grieve. The obvious ones are losing a loved one, being wronged by someone important to you, or thinking you had a cookie left, but realizing you do not. Okay, so I grieve through levity sometimes. What can I say? I did say I am still learning.
One loss that can sit like a lump in your throat and leave you wondering what level of grief is appropriate is the loss of someone once important to you with whom you had fallen out of touch. Memories of that person flood in and seem so current and relevant when you hear that they have passed away. As you discover the details of the life they went on living after you parted ways, you cannot help but relate to those who love them now and were likely the most present thing in their mind as they passed. You realize that while they did not occupy the same presence in your everyday life that they once did, they have had a profound effect on you in some way. You grieve the loss of that potential relationship, even if it was effectively put on pause years ago.
This week, I am grieving the loss of a former coworker and friend from the first few years after we moved to Colorado. Her interest in my resume is why we are currently living here and her hiring me contributed to the path we are currently living. It is hard to separate memories of her from our early days in our new home, new careers, new lives. Although our connection had grown distant in the past few years, she came up now and again and I was always pleased to learn of her happiness in her new life, full of adventure and a devoted love with her partner.
Her death was sudden, tragic and much too soon. In these cases, I always struggle with accepting this new reality. I never can stomach any contemplated reason for the loss. For her love, who was planning to propose the day she died, and her community, who lost their daughter, sibling and friend on Mother's Day, I offer this as a gentle reminder that she will always be with them.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.
One of the most important aspects I take from each loss, and probably the number one lesson I have to pass on to our as yet unknown baby, is to cherish what I have with me in the living. It sounds trite, but life really is fragile and can be unexpectedly taken from us at any time. Until you have lived that reality, it is near impossible to believe. Once you have lived through that reality, you do not take anyone for granted..for a while at least. It is painful to realize you needed another reminder to hold your loved ones close, but the reminders are also so important in order to keep us present and aware of the love and beauty that surrounds us.
Tonight, I wish you peace and gratitude.
