If you haven't been on the TaJ adventure train from the early, dusty, desert days of Niger, you might have missed that our matrimonial beginnings took root in Yosemite National Park. Long before that, I grew up spending summer camping trips in Yosemite Valley. Josh and I took a month long backpacking trip that started in the Valley when we first returned from the Peace Corps. He proposed on the top of Upper Yosemite Falls. The place is just special.

We're pretty darn close to the park right now, but we're not willing to make the trip into the park and be out of cell range, in case the BND rings (see earlier post for definition). So, we were thrilled tonight when we sat down in front of the TV and turned on the local public station. They were showing a special on exploring Yosemite. They hit our highlights and I cried through most of it. Who says you don't get all the emotional hormones raging if you adopt?!

Today is Meadow's official due date. It's 8:30 pm, and we haven't heard anything yet. T let us know yesterday that she spent the day cleaning the house. That is reported to be a sign that the baby is coming when mama starts to get the "nest" in order.

Another commonly held belief is that the full moon cycle often sends women into labor. There are many references to our connection with the full moon throughout this blog. We were pretty excited when Meadow's due date got changed (even though it was two weeks later) and landed on a full moon.

My scientist mind wouldn't let me write about the pull of the moon on babies in tummies until I looked up some research, despite my heart's conviction that it means something to us. It turns out, there is little to no scientific evidence that a full moon will bring on labor. However, doctors and nurses often say that it does from experience in the hospital and Josh and I were both born within a day of the full moon. As most of you know, when you're trying to bring a baby out, you look for signs. I'm siding with the hippies and old wives on this one.

We have learned that the form that T needs to get to the birth father so he can relinquish (that's the official term for it) his rights is now in her hands. This week should bring some progress on the legal side and the delivery side. We're heading out to the hot tub to stare at the moon and think water-moving thoughts. Wish us luck for a long, sleepless night at the hospital down the street!

Good Fortune

Think back to when you were a kid in a pool in the summer. Inevitably, someone wanted to hold a contest to see how long you could hold your breath under water. You willingly join in, knowing that you can come up for air whenever you need to, but hoping you're not the first one. Now, you're down there, someone is hovering above the surface, looking warped and holding up a stopwatch to show you how long it's been since you all went under. The pressure is building in your chest and you've let out all of the air you can to occupy your questioning lungs, hoping they'll last just a little longer. When you've reached your limit, you give it a couple more seconds and finally, the explosive gasp as you push yourself back up and into the air. Ahhhhh, I am going to live!

That pressure was what we've been feeling build inside of us for two days. The release came with a simple "How's your day going?" text from T. Holy moly what a relief. She's still talking to us. (See earlier post about the comparison between early dating and not wanting to scare off a birth mother.) We were able to get a few, casual, non-reality related texts in before we all put our phones down for dinner. I felt 10 lbs lighter, until we gorged ourselves on Chinese food. See below.

We spent the day trying to busy ourselves again. We visited a local park that we'd read about before coming to California. It was going to be our peaceful, serene place in this town while we waited. Unfortunately, today was the day of a "Color Me Rad" foot race, complete with a rainbow of colored pouches all over the park and a very loud sound system motivating everyone with the likes of Billy Idol and Janet Jackson. Not too peaceful.

Still, we made our way to the Japanese Friendship Garden and found a spot to sit for a while. We watched the geese and tried to let the moments pass without thought...impossible.



Luckily, T did text. She has saved us from what we were turning into...criminals who don't even pay the measly fee to get into a Friendship Garden (wallet was in the car; a long hot, dusty walk away). We're not proud.



After our jaunt into the world of the those oblivious to our own personal waiting drama, we made our way to dinner. But, what did we see next door? A cookie shop! The guy behind the counter was from Haiti, so I rattled off the names of a few of the communities where our chapters are working and earned some kudos. Name dropping, EWB-USA style. Um, there were cookies everywhere, people. I was trying to make a friend with every intention of going there a LOT in the coming week. Shameless, I know. I have a problem.

Then, the feeding frenzy continued. When we placed our order at the Chinese food place, the waitress actually stopped us with "I think that's enough." Woah! I didn't know there was a limit. Hopefully it's not too obvious when we get back that we eat when we're anxious.

As we settle into another distracting movie, I am reflecting on the positive superstitious events of the day. First was this beauty crossing our path in the garden:

If you're born close to Halloween, you see these as a good luck charm, not bad.

And, there's the ever-present, rarely fortune-telling, fortune cookie at the end of the gorging in the Chinese restaurant. Mine read: "You will soon bring joy to someone dear to you." We're considering all of you dear to us and we hope to bring Meadow into all of our lives very soon.

 

Here's to tomorrow! May the countdown begin...only 7 days, at the most, until something happens.

Great Expectations

I have a friend I've known since college who taught me a great lesson about expectation. He told me he wouldn't get his girlfriend a gift just because she expected it. He should only get her something because he wanted to, and he didn't want to with all the mounting expectation for Valentine's Day. So, nothing is what she got. Ouch!

Through the continuing trepidation from yesterday, something clicked for me today. I realized that the only reason we are struggling with the latest round of news from T is that we had built up expectations about how this would go. (See previous post about "what to expect". Seems I'm not a fast learner.) Sure, we had talked with her and had agreed on what she said she wanted. But we told her then, and every day since then, that however she wanted this to go is the way it would end up going, with no objections from us. So, who are we to back out on that now? She deserves the right to change her mind as reality sets in and emotions are high. We signed up for the ride and promised each other we'd hang on.

The last couple of days have been really hard. T is withdrawing from communications directly with us and the explanation is that we likely represent her reality, which isn't all that happy right now. Still, she's making plans for us to be at the hospital. If we could just put aside all that we had come to expect about how this would go, I think we'd be happy with the path we're on. Compared to the level of communication we had before though, this is much scarier. So, we looked for something else to do today besides wait for the phone to ring.

We went to the hospital to get the "lay of the land". We met with the social worker there who will handle the case when she goes into labor and delivery. It was a great meeting and we're all bracing for a lot of unknowns. Still, the support was welcome and refreshing. We know where to go and who to look for. We just don't know when T will be there, or when she will ask us to show up. We also learned that the hospital would likely wait 7 days past her due date before inducing her. So, for all of you wondering if there's a baby yet...hang on for 8 more days. Something should happen by then, right?

We spent the evening occupying each second with something mindless. Our surroundings provided plenty of distraction. We were even grateful that we forgot where we parked because, well, walking further took up another 10 minutes that we weren't waiting for a call. Here are some highlights from our trip to the last Farmers Market of the season around here.

The hospital where we hope to spend a few days real, real soon.

Huh?

A shout out to Mama P!

Unlikely footwear of the runners in a fundraiser race for cancer that we watched.

Pose with, but don't touch, the old truck at the car show.

Speaks for itself.

The start of an exciting full moon weekend, hopefully!

Again, huh? Not sure what is being sold here.

Tiffany's new, super cute farmer's market-y t-shirt.

 

No, we haven't opened it yet. However, this "Daddy/Daughter Duck" is ready for a swig.
(I love the packed baby bag in the background of this shot. Don't judge!)

All that, plus a soak in the hot tub, took us a good five hours out of the room. We know we're all over the place. We're doing the best we can. Thanks for trying to keep up.

False Evidence Appearing Real

Okay, so I stole that title and the photo from another blog. It is particularly apt today, one of our darkest, most fearful yet. And, all of that fear is coming from our own, powerful, uncertain minds. It's yucky.

 

We started the day well. T called early this morning to talk about her week and what obstacles she's encountered. It has not been a good one for her. Part of it is her feeling pressured to meet us, which we were trying to prevent her from feeling. However, that is a very small part and the rest of it has nothing to do with us. Try telling that to our panicked and scared versions of Josh and Tiffany.

 

It's quite easy to get lost in the horror stories of adoption on the Internet and become convinced that if your birth mother isn't ready to meet you, she probably isn't pregnant at all and is just stringing you along. I feel dirty just writing it. It's also not rational because we have a document confirming her pregnancy from a doctor. It's a terrible place to get stuck, but it's pretty hard to get out of there with your wits about you.

 

I'm no stranger to irrational, unfounded fears. I'm sure you all feel uneasy when you look at the photo below.

 



 

However, I'm betting that when your stomach turns upon the sight of this ship struggling at sea, you're not thinking about the fish in the water that will inevitably eat the crew if the ship goes down. Didn't think so. But, that's where I end up worrying most. See? Crazy, right? I know.

 

That's the hardest part. We know we are so fortunate to have such a great, communicative relationship with T ahead of delivery. We feel lucky that she's shared so much and plans for us to be involved from the very earliest days of Meadow's life. But hope and fear are a thin line apart and crossing the line to the darker side can be dangerous and lead you to a tailspin of doubt. Again, yucky.

 

So, we draw on some amazing experiences that we've shared together to take us to a happier, more peaceful, place. We get to close our eyes and remember the hikes we've taken in the back country of Yosemite National Park, the peaceful deck overlooking a pond under a giant Japanese maple in the Botanical Gardens in Golden Gate Park or the quiet of the savanna waiting for an elephant to appear at the Niger River for an evening bath. We have these memories to rely on, but times are hard and we need more!

Comments are open! Please share a favorite peaceful experience for us to meditate on. The more descriptive the better. Thank you for your help in bringing us back up out of the dark waters.

What To Expect When You're Expecting

Isn't that a presumptuous tone? Any of you who have had kids, through any means, are fully aware of the irony encompassed in that clever title. Still, entire industries are built up around convincing us that we can prepare for the journey into parenthood. Parents-to-be get the impression that if they buy enough, or read enough, or ask enough questions, they'll be ready. Then the journey begins.

It's a brand new twist around every turn. Maybe you lose that baby, there could be twins in there, surprise you're having a girl instead of a boy and despite all of your reading on a natural childbirth you're having an emergency c-section after a round of pitocin. If nothing that dramatic happened to you, consider whether or not you looked, felt or experienced all that you thought you would. No one can tell me that they know what I should expect when I'm expecting. But, I read the books and watch the movies anyways.

We watched What to Expect When You're Expecting tonight in our hotel room. If you're just starting to read our blog, skip the backlog and watch the movie. We've experienced some of almost every story in the film, and it's been a long and bumpy ride. Sometimes it's even been as funny!

We signed papers with the California agency today. This means they can move forward with getting ready to process our adoption once she's born. It was an exciting step to feel like we were doing something to progress.

However, we learned later that T is having a hard week. She is having second thoughts about our plans to meet ahead of time. We're just going to have to take this one day at a time and at her pace.

Josh and I take a lot of evening walks in our neighborhood. Sometimes, one of us will get an urge to test our trust in each other and grab the other person's arm, close our eyes and ask them to guide us on our path. Now if you knew our neighborhood and the century old, tree-root-raised slate sidewalks we have around us, you'd know that this is a big test of trust. The person with their eyes closed always slows way down and puts their hands out for caution. Eventually, we have to open our eyes because we just know that the sighted person will lead us over a bump without warning and we'll fall flat on our face. We're never where we thought we were before we gave in and looked around. Try it. It will test your nerves.

That is what this is like. We are in the dark and feeling our way forward, tentatively. We have each other's arms to hold onto and that's our focus. Eventually, we'll open our eyes and realize that we can jump back into our old pace and keep moving. Until then, we're just easing along.

Relationship Rules

Ask any old boyfriend, or Josh for that matter, I've never been good at following those dumb rules about 'when to call' and 'how long to wait for a returned message' and 'how to be coy'. It just feels like a waste of time. I have to say, it's been pretty refreshing to not have to worry about that phase of new relationship dos and don'ts for the past twelve years. And now, enter the days before meeting our birth mother.

More than one friend has pegged this phase of our adoption correctly by referencing those early days of wondering just how much to demonstrate that you're interested. Since July 5th, each day has been spent trying to think if we have anything meaningful, but not too pushy, but sweet and genuine to write to T about. Initially, almost every text generated a returned phone call. I sparked the exchange every few days or so and our conversations were long, meaningless and carefree.

Now that the inevitable is upon us, our communication is short, to the point and mostly through texting and emoticons (which I have to continually research to avoid misinterpreting what they mean and ultimately how she's feeling - Luddite that I am). It's getting harder and harder to come up with something new to inquire about to try to spark a conversation, and sometimes my seemingly brilliant electronic taps on her shoulder go unanswered altogether. As any new significant other (dare we call them 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend') will tell you, what you are capable of imagining when they don't call back can be quite discouraging. And then, they call. You learn that their phone dropped in the water, or they forgot to charge it, or they were cooking dinner, or they just fell asleep after an exhausting day.

If we're supposed to base our expectations on past history, one of those is the reason for the silence this evening. I no longer worry about the lack of communication from T, I just get more curious until she calls back. And, I know that she will.

What I do know about today is that T was supposed to meet with the new CA agency. Hopefully that meeting went well and hopefully she feels good about the next steps. Most hopefully, she fills us in on the details when her phone is charged, or her kids are fed, or she's simply comfortable to do so. But if not, we'll be here, picking out different outfits for that 'first date' or trying to think of a clever, but genuine, way to express our affection the next time she texts.

Everything with her still seems to end in some form of 'lol' or 'lmao', so I'm :0) with that.

Home Sweet Home (away from home, again)

We moved on from our comfortable quarters today and into a hotel that is near the hospital where T will deliver. It was a three-hour trip filled with much curiosity and more pondering how the coming weeks will unfold. We texted T to let her know we were going to be around and that if she wanted to meet, we will be just a quick ride away. That important meeting is still looming out there for all of us. We're assuming she's nervous about it. We definitely are.

We thought we were calm, collected and ready to move into our own space to "nest" a bit where we'll bring her "home" for the first time. Then we arrived.

It is a fantastic suite. We're getting free breakfasts and dinners, a full kitchen and a super comfy, big bed. There's a pool, jacuzzi and a tub to soak in. Oh, and there are fresh cookies at the desk, all of the time. Yay! Despite all these fancy pants details, we were definitely not under the impression that we are here on a mindless vacation.

Within about 10 minutes of wheeling our bags in and starting to set them up, Tiffany got dizzy and a little off-kilter. Nothing to worry about, it's just how her body says (make that SCREAMS) "WOAH! Did you know you're undergoing some major emotional ride right now?!" Duh. Hello, body. Catch up, would you?! Remember when some of you commented on how well we're handling all of this? Well, this is what happens when she handles it well. Her body thinks she's not paying attention and forces a little slow down.

We went to dinner and afterwards we came back, lit some candles and sat holding hands. We each got to touch in and say what we were feeling. It helped tremendously.

We began to settle into our home away from home. Tiffany unpacked everything and found a home for all of Meadow's little essentials. Josh worked for an hour on the ins and outs of one of our three baby carriers. He's got it down pat. Luckily, the bottle of tequila we were gifted yesterday makes a perfect weight with which he can practice. (No, we're not opening it yet.) Yeah, we feel ready.

First things first, look how she's grown!

That's right, we're up to the size of a mini-watermelon this week. And, without any news over the weekend, that's the extent of our baby update this morning. Stay tuned!

~

Now, if you're curious about our Sunday, that's another story. I spent almost the entire approach to San Francisco waxing eloquent about how happy I am with our move to Denver. I tried to think of every single thing I could possibly remember about the challenges of living in this overpriced City. This was self defense in preparation of the onslaught of emotions I knew would come throughout a day spent in SF, "our fair city".

 

The list was longer when I began recounting all of the wonderful things about our lives now. Things like our home and garden and our chickens and our easy access to what we love about Colorado, plus new friends and some parents close by! Still, it was definitely a comparison of two positives. San Francisco did very little to push us out four years ago. We just moved on to something different.

 

In 2008, when we drove the moving van over the bridge, east towards Colorado, I remember feeling sentimental, with big tears running down my cheeks, about how I was going to miss this area that I had dreamed of living in since I was a child. Luckily, it took us a very short time in the beauty of new friends and scenery in Colorado to realize that the place of CA would always be there, it was the people we would miss. Unluckily, it was the people we would miss.

We've been fortunate to have so many people visit us in Colorado, some multiple times even. I wish it was the same as all of us getting together more frequently. After a day of casual family brunch, football on the TV, lazing around in sunshine at Delores Park, a BART ride to downtown and fantastic conversation over a feast for dinner before driving back to our welcoming oasis in Sacramento, we know all-too-well what we're missing about being here.

 

Of course, we can't be pleased. Since we've been here, we've been missing all of our friends in Colorado who are more intimately involved in our day-to-day lives as they play out in Denver. I think a big TaJ Commune is in order!

I know this seems to have nothing to do with baby updates, but it's what I'm feeling. We're just embracing all of the hugs from near and emails from afar. We feel like wherever we are in this journey that we have a huge shipload of love surrounding us. We're so lucky for that. Thank you.

Rockville Hills Park, CA - where I mentioned never having seen a snake before in an earlier post.
Today, we saw two! (but not rattlers)

More time in these oak forested hills today has me feeling a heightened need to stay grounded. The spiral away from control of anything in our lives right now is particularly intense today. There is absolutely nothing new to update, good or bad, it's just one of those days I guess.

 

This blog was intended to provide a peek into the journey we're on. Sometimes that will be about the process and sometimes it will be about the feelings. Today, I'm struggling with the fact that things feel drastically different from one minute to the next. Not that they are; nothing has changed at all. Sometimes we feel like we better not leave the house without all of our belongings because T will likely call us to the hospital any minute. Five minutes later, we're planning what we're going to do next weekend because she is likely never going to have a baby. Honestly, never? How can that be possible? Still, that's what it feels like.

 

At least tomorrow is another day packed full of surrounding ourselves with beloved family and friends at another hosted brunch and dinner out. The weekend visits are a distraction from the focus, the intensity of which can be overwhelming sometimes. Still, I find when I've spent too much time away from my thoughts of the coming weeks, I miss the daydream.

 

This whirlwind of emotions can only be tamed by a concentrated effort to meditate on the roots of a 100 year old tree in the ground. For that, I am grateful to be surrounded by these beautiful oaks at every turn.

Modern Technology Wrapped Up in a Tea Bag Tag

We know we can, we know we can, we know we can...we're chuggin' along on the legal formalities side of this roller coaster ride. T's California agency confirmed that they have received all of our paperwork and can now get started on the forms she and the birth father need to take care of. This agency probably won't contact us until after the baby is born to get our autographs on a few things, but it's just good to know that they're working ahead of time with T and that we're making some progress now.

 ~

As is mentioned in earlier posts, we were drawn to our agency because of their resources for both the birth mother and us. We are so thankful for their approach to training which groups adoptive couples together so that we have a built in support network. And, we were excited that working with them meant that our birth mother would likely be local to us in Northern Colorado and that they had decades of experience with the hospitals and court system there. Many of our questions would already be answered just by them having done this so many times before.

Well, our birth mother isn't from Northern Colorado, but she's from a place even closer to our hearts. And, we're so happy that both Mommy and Meadow will be transplanted California girls when we all get home. Still, the change in geography has meant that we're all learning about a new way of doing an adoption together.

We have the same plethera of questions, but the answers are coming in as they're learned, not familiar-like-the-back-of-my-hand style. Many, many hours have been spent figuring out new state systems, additional requirements and then passing that information along to us through emails, texts, phone calls, overnight packages and the new, treasured video call. Then we share it all (well most of it) with you on this blog.

We had a good talk with our agency ladies yesterday over skype. It was fun to see them and it was good to regroup visually instead of only through emails and quick phone calls. I guess it was possible to provide long distance support in the past through beautifully penned letters, but if we had to wait for the pony express for a little emotional recharge while we were out here, we would be writing very different posts.

Still despite all of their efforts to keep us informed remotely and guide us along in an emotionally healthy way, it seems their best advice already exists in our friend's cupboard. After our skype call, we decided to settle into an afternoon cup of tea.

We've heard many comments on how our love and support of each other is what is going to help immensely through these coming weeks. Our agency counselors reminded us of that again on our skype call. Shortly thereafter, Josh got this advice from his tea bag tag. (Lucky me!)



Advice to get some sleep now comes to us at least twice a day, in some form or another. The agency stressed the importance of it again yesterday just before I settled into this cup of tea.

 

So, maybe we could get all of the support we need from drinking tea every day. Nah, we don't think so. Thanks to all of you for being here with us!



River Town Reveries at 5.30am Pacific Time

In this so far suspended state of waiting—and in between dreams of trying to walk but feeling the weight of gravity pulling on us as we inch forward—we begin each day with a deep breath of hope that some new spark will ignite the engine that drives the gears of fate and set them in motion. We’re at the ready, all ducks in a row… or at least gathering the last, disoriented ducks and trying to get them to line up. Suffice it to say, even at this critical moment, some of them keep trying to waddle off in different directions, quacking aimlessly. (Come on… line up, silly ducks!) In order to approach this ubiquitous state of disorder each day, one must be open-minded, creative, and positive. Over 12 years together, we’ve honed those skills to a respectable degree, we think, and we’ve learned some big lessons along the way. And now here’s another chance to practice being creative, open-minded, and positive. So as we dream, anticipate, and prepare ourselves for what’s next, we’re also readying ourselves for the possibility of casting our roadmap out the window and flying by the seat of our pants when decision-time arrives. Our goal for when this chapter in our journey concludes will be to say that we made each major decision with our hearts in the right place (even if they often felt like they were stuck right in the middle of our throats). We deeply appreciate everyone’s support, especially now. If at any time today any of you are feeling generous with your heart, please send your prayers, good vibes and love beams to our birth mother. We really think she can use them in this final stretch.  

with carseat in place, her chariot awaits

There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment.

~ Yamamoto Tsunetomo

 

This has always been one of Josh's favorite quotes. It's a hard one to live by in our crazy lives, but when it slaps you in the face, it's worth a pause to contemplate it. We get a good, hearty chunk of forward progress in this journey only once in a while. When we do, we just want to revel in it. Today was one of those days.

 

A quick update from our agency today let us know that our new agency representing the California side of things has been selected and that they would have all of our pertinent information and paperwork to get things rolling on the legal side tomorrow. Woohoo!

This is what we've needed to happen so T could get our baby's birth father to sign his necessary paperwork, even before the baby is born. It's also a required step to get the ball rolling on the necessary counseling appointments T needs to have with someone from the State of CA both before and after the baby is born. And, we'll need to meet with them as well, once the baby is placed in our care. We've needed this piece to fall into place, to put it mildly.

 

If we're meditating on the single purpose of this present moment, it's a biggie! Since we've now passed our original due date, we can thank little Meadow for needing to stay in there longer and giving us all time to get the right people involved in order to properly prepare for her arrival.

Tonight we're feeling confident that we're moving forward towards meeting our daughter, not wading in circles in the muck of "what ifs". And that's a good feeling to have.

Ready or Not, Here She Comes! (not yet)

  

And, if all of those little vegetable references below weren't enough to remind us that we should be focused on what's to come, not just the details in the journey getting there, we got this counting lesson from our hosts last night during a game of Hide-and-Seek (their rules). Definitely some good times ahead!

Little Reminders

As I impatiently waited for an update from T after her doctor's check-up today, I remembered the wonder of the Internet. If I couldn't get an update on our baby, I would look up what others are experiencing at 38 weeks. This would be the closest I could get to seeing how far she's come in there.

Yep, it turns out she's roughly the length of a leek. Who knew?! In fact, this was a poignant reminder of a fun little weekly email I was receiving from a website last year. It told us how big our baby was as it was growing inside me and it always compared the baby to a food product. We made it to size grape last year.

A wave of emotions came over me as I entered our due date in the field on the home page that begged to send me far too many emails about what I can expect in these final weeks of my pregnancy. I couldn't believe that in the unfamiliar twist that has been our "pregnancy" this time around, I forgot to go to this website and enter our due date so I could get those treasured reminders of how our baby was growing. I usually tell every pregnant friend to sign up for them. It's really a fun cohort in the obsession of your changing body. I lived for the updates last year. As I look back on it this year, it just feels like we were too busy with phone calls, papers and nursery building. I just forgot.

Plus, truth be told, I was pretty turned off by the website when I had to fight to get off of their email list after our loss. It just didn't seem right to be hounded about why I didn't want weekly reminders of how big my baby was now when there was no more baby growing. So, I just blocked them out of my mind once they finally went away.

As I let myself get carried away in the gazillion articles with which they populate the site to satiate the eager parents-to-be, it all began to wash over me again and I felt a little cheated. Somehow, in the process of the adoption side of our becoming parents, I had let myself miss the growing baby side. All of a sudden, I realized that the concept of our adopting a baby has remained on a plane similar to waiting for a big project to be completed. Not until I sank into everything one could learn about the 38th week did my heart begin to twitter and I realized that she's been in there all along, growing from lentil to pumpkin (just in time for October, I might add) and that she's gonna come out and wrap us around her little fingers, which can fully grasp as of this week!

Okay, so it's not the first time it dawned on me what we're doing here, but today was one big emotional leap into reality and it was pure and excited. Something I didn't think I'd ever let myself feel again.

We did finally hear from T. No ultrasound today, so no new information on size, dilation or timing. But, we shared with each other that we are all happy to be another week closer.

38 Weeks and Counting

Some of you have been here. That exhausted, sweaty, waddling, bloated, impatient, can't believe this will ever end feeling of a nice, big Indian food dinner. Ha! Man, I have no self-control. I don't. I blame everyone who has ever had Indian food with me for my inability to STOP already with the naan.

Isn't that what the end of pregnancy is like? Hot, irritable and incomprehensibly uncomfortable? Don't you get to blame everyone around you for your discomfort because, after all, you're a mom-to-be? Okay, okay, so I stuffed my own face and got to have some beer to go with it. There are differences between pregnancy and the final weeks of adoption, I guess.

We had a quick text chat with T again tonight that let us know that although she's game to go ahead with the switch from the attorney to a new California agency, she's just plain tired. Even if the new agency is going to make their way to her neck of the state to meet with her, she's got to start over with a new set of paperwork. Just tired of the situation.

We know we're on different ends of this arrangement, polar opposite ends in fact, but I think we share some common sentiments at this point. Still, we don't dare compare our experience with hers. It doesn't feel like two versions of the same daily onslaught of questions. It's a shared journey. Her part is right there alongside our part. We all want this to go smoothly. We all want it to be over, in different ways. We want the new start that it will bring, in different ways. We all feel full and tired and a little uneasy. The story is woven together and we feel fortunate to be writing it with T.

Our Day in Pictures

First things first, there is no current baby news. We spent the day creating fun memories of our wait for her arrival and making her story even more colorful! Enjoy our trip through Northern California.

Ahhhh - Cool, foggy weather! Josh returns to his element in Petaluma, CA.
(And Tiffany begins shivering for 7 hours straight.)



Coolest concept, right? A seed saving operation in an old bank building.
(Until the "fruit and nut" variety of volunteer springs up in your aisle to pop quiz you on your worthiness for stepping inside.)

 

After a quick nap, overlooking Drake's Bay in Pt. Reyes National Seashore.
This was a favorite paddling ground for us, so a fun return visit.

 

Those famed ultra-local oysters. Not the Rocky Mountain variety. :-)

 

A delicious farm-to-table dinner in Yountville.
Antelope, chicken and veggies from the restaurant farm on the property.

 

And a beautiful 400 year old California oak tree to help us stay grounded in the week ahead.

 

We'll admit that Meadow crept into our wandering minds throughout the day. Mostly, it was to acknowledge that days like this will be few and far between in the coming years. Also, when we sat down to dinner, we quizzed each other on what we thought we'd talk about on our rare evenings out without her. When our conversation quickly turned to quoting our adorable host kiddos, we realized we're just going to miss her even when we're supposed to be getting away for date night. Now we are starting to get why our friends can't totally enjoy the evenings out with a babysitter at home. It isn't just some protective gene that sprouts when you become a parent. They're just darn fun to be around and you don't want to miss a single second!

 

(Remind us that we feel this way in about 8 months.)

 

P.S. I just have to mention the toilet at the restaurant. It opened as I walked into the stall, was warm like your heated car seats when I sat down (with a temperature adjuster), had an electrical control box on the wall that had 15 function buttons, including mutliple spray settings and a dryer from inside the toilet! For those of you who know Josh's love of gadgets, you can imagine how giddy I was (might have been the wine) at the thought of how he was enjoying this in his own stall. Sadly, I walked out beaming at my own beverly hillbillies moment and he didn't have one. Too bad really. Not likely that we'll see that again anytime soon. Sorry, no pictures on that highlight.

Swaddling, Sideways, Shooshing, Swinging and Sucking!

We got it! We're sure to have the Happiest Baby on the Block!

I'm convinced that the steady stream of supplies that made their way from our next door neighbor's basement to our nursery upstairs came to an end only because we took flight to California. In fact, the last donation showed up after we left and is waiting for Meadow when we get home. Our parting visual was of our happy neighbor waving goodbye with her son and her adorable daughter, sure to be Meadow's role model, sitting in our lawn and waiting for our return. It's an understatement to say they've been supportive.

Is she not the most adorable neighbor ever? 

Meadow is so lucky! 

One of our borrowed gifts from the south side of the property line has yet to prove it's worth, but sure inspired us this evening. We were warned that watching The Happiest Baby on the Block might scare us a bit since "there are a lot of crying babies." Still, we braved the unknown and popped it into the DVD player tonight.

I'd guess that it took a mere five minutes for me to shed a few tears...of excitement, of fear, of sheer oh-my-god-edness! We've been living in a world of 2 and 4 year olds. It's hard to remember how small a newborn can be. When we saw the babies in the movie and they were fresh outta da womb, it just jolted me back into the reality of who's to come. And, she's really little.

Now that we've seen how to wrap her up like a burrito (or what looks more like a straight jacket), flip her over on her side (but only a slight angle more than vertical towards her belly), shoosh (unexpectedly loud) in her ear, jiggle (but not shake) her little head and last, but not least, plug her pie hole with a pacifier (or a finger if you are desperate), we feel 100% prepared to end all sleepless nights.

Okay, just kidding. But, it's another good set of tools to have in our arsenal. And, it gives us hope that we can manage what we're signing up, submitting lots of paperwork, spending lots of phone calls talking about and prepping a nursery for. After all, if those kids next door are Meadow's competition for the happiest baby on our block, we've got to work some magic. Wish us luck!

Another Twist in the Tale

Each day seems to bring some new thread to the weaving of our growing family quilt. We’re acquiring a very keen sense for why we’ve never heard two similar adoption stories. As ours is being written, key characters are changing and new scenarios present themselves.

With the move towards working with an agency in California, rather than the attorney we hired, there are logistics to work out about where the agency is located and how they can work with T. New questions come up and more answers are sought. It’s a changing, “organic” process.

Through it all, our supportive friends and family repeat kind encouragement at how well we’re handling everything. Today, I feel a little pensive about that. We don’t really feel at all like we’re having to hold ourselves together or that one more little thing is going to send us into a tailspin. Sure, it’s different every day and new emotions keep surfacing.  But, isn’t that what we were warned parenthood is all about?

As we were preparing for our trip to California, we just wanted to know what paperwork was required to be able to bring Meadow home. Other than that, we didn’t bring any preconceived notions about how this was supposed to go. We just knew that it was going to be something new. Maybe we didn’t know how new it would be each day, but hey, we promised to be on a lifelong adventure in our wedding vows to each other. Why should this be any different?

So, thank you. We’re grateful for your support and your well wishes. We appreciate hearing that we’re handling everything well because we hope that we are. We just feel like there’s no other way to handle what is coming at us except to, well, handle it. When push comes to shove comes to knock down, flip over and twist in knots, we’ve got each other and an army of love from all of you. And that leaves me feeling grateful tonight.

Hopeful, and Dare We Say Excited?

As we try to turn in a little earlier tonight, I'm still battling the remaining yuck from this cold. (Have you picked up on what a wimp I am about head colds yet?) Still, having a little more energy in me today got us up and out of the house to take a walk to the store. It was nice to be roaming the streets among the living again. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel of congestion and then, I'll be back!

Back to what? Back to more waiting, I guess. But also back to the happy dreaming we were doing before I gave in to the fogginess of sick. It's hard to imagine being any good at all as a mother when I can barely pick myself up off the bed. I've always known those would not be my glory days, feeling sick and having to take care of a little one. These past few days with our host kiddos have taught me that we'll likely all live through it when it happens. However, I'm thrilled that Meadow has given me time to get through this bout of awful before coming out to meet me. Maybe that's another little hidden gift in her delayed introduction.

Now that I can hold my own in a conversation again, it's nice to be back to the fun daydreaminess of pre-sleepless-nights parenthood. We're settling into the real reason we're here and it's pretty fun to get to that point. With some time on our hands, we're allowing ourselves to play a little and thinking ahead to a weekend of more memory road trips through Northern California. Every once in a while, Josh will remark that Meadow and mommy will both be California girls and this will always be a special place for us. It's fun to explore it again with our image of her here with us.

Okay, okay, a real update...we had some fun text chat with T today. Just a brief touch-in on how we're all feeling about the upcoming labor and delivery. We continue to assure her that we're here for her and that we're open to however she wants this to go. She simply says "thank you".

And, nothing new on the attorney to agency change up. Let us just have this day off from the setbacks and bask in happy for a time. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe there will be answers then. :-)

The More the Merrier

When we were in Niger, it always amazed me that the ticket taker for bush taxis was able to determine that 27 people could fit into a 12 seat van. We would buy our ticket and climb into a row thinking that it was a tight squeeze at three of us with a small child on one lap. Then, he’d waive additional people in there who were always carrying extra bags, extra animals or extra food. Sure enough, by the time we went to the gas station to fill up for the journey ahead, my legs were numb and everyone had settled into the various cracks that previously existed until we looked like a stuffed Volkswagen full of clowns, ready to burst at the seams.

 

When I wrote on July 24^th about our lesson in the size of the colony it was going to take to grow a family through adoption, we thought we were maxing it out with the addition of an attorney. Today, I’m reminded of those helpless feelings of despair as I locked eyes with one of those bush taxi ticket takers who shot me a knowing look that threatened that I could hope all I want, but he wasn’t done shoving people in yet.

We learned that our hired attorney isn’t up to the job of shuffling enough paperwork to get this done transparently and that we now get to add a California agency to the party. Our hired attorney is willing to do just enough for us to fly home with Meadow and then wait a year to finalize the adoption, instead of six months. She’s proposing a type of adoption that requires less of her and more acceptance of risk from us, oh and keeping it relatively quiet that we’re doing it this way.

After five years of trying to get pregnant, our loss last year and the nine month journey it has taken us to get this far with the addition of Meadow, anyone who suggests that we just keep quiet about this and fly home under the radar of the California Department of Human Services can take a long walk on a short pier.

When (not if) our baby is born and in our care, we are going to SCREAM our way home with her! Everyone who reads this will know. The states of California and Colorado will know. And, in our hearts, we’ll know we’re growing our family in a loving, legal way, not sneaking in a new member over state lines. We feel strongly that we deserve to be proud new parents and we anxiously await introducing her to the world.

Yes, it is getting cramped in here. Travelers in a bush taxi accept their fate and buckle down for the journey ahead, knowing that they will get there eventually, if uncomfortably. You just have to find a way to fold up into a pretzel and rest your weary head on the pot of sauce in the lap of the person sitting next to you. It’s a messy and stinky ride, full of people heading in different directions ultimately, but home awaits us at the other end.

 

Yes, they really pack 'em in that tight!

Hidden Gifts in Our Delayed Delivery

I have finally succumbed to the head cold that has taken hold of me. I spent the day in bed, periodically checking email and barely keeping up with work. I had plenty of time to consider the latest twist of events and what the changes could mean for our story, still being written.

Josh and I were both born within a day of a full moon. If you know us, you know that our love story started on a full moon and we married under the full moon in a meadow in Golden Gate Park. Our baby last year was due within a day of September's full moon in 2011.

When we learned that Meadow was due on September 15th, we looked it up. "What, New Moon? That can't be right, must be a mistake. Maybe she'll be late and closer to the full moon when she finally comes out," we thought. Yesterday's news on an updated due date sent us back to the Internet to double check. Of course they had the date wrong. Her revised due date is now on a full moon...as it should be.

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We recently learned the term "Push Present". We were asked if we were planning to get one for T. While we hadn't yet heard the term, we had put a lot of thought to the idea of a gift that would be appropriate for her at the hospital.

We settled on a bag full of small gifts. Some are meaningful, some silly and related to our many, zany conversations. I've wrapped each one individually and attached a note explaining the thought behind it. The one that was to mean the most is a necklace that we dreamed up representing T's unbroken bond to Meadow. We found what we thought was perfect from a jeweler who had made a necklace for Tiffany years ago when she helped a friend in the delivery room. It seemed like a perfect fit!

When it arrived, it was tiny. It was not what we had in mind and last week, when we were still thinking we only had days before we needed to be ready to deliver it to T. Another quick search found the actual perfect version. Now, with plenty of time to spare, we could order the back-up and be ready with what we think is the true depiction of their unending connection. It came today and it is exactly what we envisioned!

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And, last but not least, the funny gift that comes from what seems to be an endless battle with children fighting what you want them to do. Our host four year old interrupted dinner with an urgent trip to the bathroom. Multiple yells back and forth let us know that he was okay, but taking a looooooong time. His two year old brother went in to "help". It turned out that he needed something to read. Sure, you can relate. After much time had passed (like, um, an hour!), their mom realized that the bookshelves in the living room and the playroom were empty. In an effort to expedite them getting their little library cleaned up, I went in to help. This is what we found:

 

 

Our friend is making us sign something that says we won't sue her if we end up changing our minds on this whole parenting thing after a few weeks in her world.

Chutes and Ladders - Due Date Shift

You remember that game. It's the one where you simply spin an arrow to determine how many spaces to move forward and when you land on a spot with a ladder, you get to climb up, up, up towards the finish line. The other option is that you land on a space with a chute and you slide all the way back down towards the beginning. The goal is, of course, to get to the end.

I've been playing that game with our host 4 year old every once in a while. His grandma warned me that he tends to cheat and she's right! He will strategically end up on a ladder most of the time. But, if he ends up on a chute, his opponent is requested (make that demanded) to jump over and "save" him from sliding too far backwards by blocking his fall towards the beginning.

Man, what I wouldn't do for a "save" right now. After much anticipation, the long-awaited ultrasound appointment was today. The brief update we received afterwards states simply that the due date was off by two weeks and is now September 30th! Currently, she's 5 lbs, 13 oz. All of her organs are developed and working great, she just needs time to grow. This spins a whole web of inconvenience for just about everyone involved. Please keep our tiny pea in your prayers and hope that she grows big and strong in the coming few weeks.

We're not headed back to the very beginning, but this is definitely one of those really long chutes away from the end zone.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jog (for one of us)

Some people remember key visuals from their childhood. They might dream of the city's buildings, the view of the ocean, the vast stretch of vineyards or stockyards, or the southwest desert scenes. For me, it's these hills. These beautiful, rolling, grassy changes in topography dotted with the glory of old oak trees. They take my breath away every time. They hold within them my many memories of camping trips, picnics, girl scout scavenger hunts, hikes along cow pastures, the terror of a rattle snake (which I've never seen) under each rock, and the essence of adventure around every turn.

We took the familiar drive from Sacramento to Fairfield today to visit my brother's family for lunch. I woke up a little hazy from some cold medicine that I took to try to fight off the always-present cloudiness that comes with the end of the stress of packing for an important trip. (I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick.)

Still, my senses were wide awake when I saw the scenes of my childhood unfold in front of me. Those numerous farm stands on the side of the freeway exits. That old water slide park. The sign for the long gone Nut Tree stop. It was strange to see everything and feel like I was floating above it, not really here at all.

I found myself thinking a lot about my life growing up and it was like I was just living in memory mode. The place we went to for lunch was an old favorite hangout, but it's evolved into something fancier and even more delicious. Still, it was different. My nieces are still perfect, but they're much more grown up now. Different. The reality of  the life we've grown into now in Colorado seemed distant. And the reality of whatever the reason is for our trip back in these parts was far from the forefront of my daydreaming. I still haven't figured out how to articulate my feelings about it all, but it was surreal.

And then I noticed the car seat. "OH YEAH!" We're here to adopt our baby girl! That's right, the car seat is loaded and in the Mazda 6 Princess Mobile. That's a visual jolt of reality for ya. And, with all of the thoughts and the dose of reality too, I was happy.

Smiling Faces

I told ya they'd help! Those faces in last night's blog did in fact help us get through some impatient times (and gave Josh some happy dreams - see below). I learned late last night that T is feeling sinus sick. :-( Boo. She did seem to be in better spirits when she checked in this morning. We got to text chat for a while and although she might not feel better, we do. It's good to know that she still has her sense of humor and that we can still catch up. We let her know that today we'd get our California car picked up and be able to meet her whenever she wants us to come over. We're wheeled and in motion.

Yay, fancy wheels to pick up a princess!

 

What a great day we had with our gracious hosts at a local Polish Cultural Festival. We were after some pierogis that had been advertised on the morning show, and we found them in Roseville. Yum! After convincing the ticket seller that we didn't need to be carded because we weren't going to drink (and it took some convincing!), we made it out of there and home in time for a nap, dinner (yes, too much eating), a quick sunset walk through the park and some evening roasted marshmallows!

 



Dream a Little Dream

It might have been one of the last opportunities I’ll have to “sleep in” past nine o’clock in the morning, so I feel fortunate to have had it. Of course, I still woke up to the sound of a crying child, albeit a four-year-old. It was more of a comedic tantrum of fitful outbursts and stomping feet than an actual cry for help, the latter being what I’m expecting in the coming future. …And then that’s when I remembered my dream.

It happens every so often (and, unfortunately, these days not as often as I’d like) that when I actually get enough sleep and am able to wake up at my own pace, I have time to reflect on all the symbolism in my dreams. They remain lucid enough in my memory as I awaken, and I can enjoy the show and smile at the allegory as it unfolds.   

For your entertainment, this time it was an action-packed thrill ride involving me rushing to get through some bizarre and labyrinthine indoor water park (think Pirates of the Caribbean, Space Mountain, Olympic swimming try-outs and Water World all in one building, and then throw in Ikea for an element of extra weirdness, and you’re there). All of our friends and family were cheering us from the sidelines as I cradled a tiny baby (our baby?) in my arms trying to keep her from getting splashed or unravel from the bundle she was in. In my most stellar moments, I was kicking with all my speed through a stretch of open water with her held safely above me; at other times I just cradled her in the warm dry blanket as we made our way through the mysterious turns and sudden splashing drops in the pitch darkness of the watery underworld-themed maze. I remember feeling like I was getting very close, seeing daylight break through as I emerged from the dream. There was anxiety, excitement and an overwhelming feeling of hope.   

So, yeah… can my subconscious be any more obvious? Jung and Freud would be so bored with me! Well at least I know that deep within (but okay so maybe not that deep within), I am navigating an enormously emotional adventure with all the strength and gusto I can gather. And then there’s you guys, throwing me dry towels, cheering, swimming alongside for certain stretches, and just generally helping along the way. Thanks for being there for us, even from the sidelines of my dream. It makes an amazing difference and is often the very thing that keeps all of this seeming possible.  

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up...down, down, down, down, down....up?

You know the story, it's a roller coaster. Some days are more fun and hopeful than others. Today, the coaster took a dip. So, we busied ourselves with figuring out rental car and hotel accommodations. It feels good to get the last logistics worked out and be ready for anything, at the drop of a hat.

Since we don't yet have a rental car, we took a loooooong walk today in the Sacramento heat to go to the bank and the grocery store. This allowed us some much needed time to regroup this afternoon. It is increasingly important for us to check in with each other throughout the day so we know when hugs and hope are in demand.

We got a fantastic dose of fun last night though! One of Tiffany's dads was also in California this week and brought two of the three "blonditos" (our awesome nieces) up to Sacramento to visit. We had a celebratory dinner for his birthday and stored up some additional support to keep afloat in these stagnant waters. It's a relief to hear from folks right now and know that we're all focusing our positive energy on the same thing!

Happy smiles to drag that coaster car back up tomorrow!

Back in Sacramento

Sure, a coffee shop in this city is not that different from one in any other city. But being back in Northern California reminds me how unique the atmosphere here is. And I mean atmosphere both physically and metaphysically. It’s hopping from wireless hotspot to wireless hotspot near Cesar Chavez Plaza, I can taste the moisture that lingers on each breeze. The air is alive here after a light rain fell in the city overnight. It’s not exactly a feeling of “homecoming” to be back here, not that we expected that, but it is certainly a very familiar place. At the wide and gushing confluence of the Sacramento and American Rivers, Sacramento is a moist oasis compared to the trickling Platte and high desert we left in Denver. The air is still clear and the mountains nearby, and there is the same summer heat, but it feels less intense than the rays that sear you at 5,280 feet. The faces of the people downtown reflect all the waves of cultures that have come here before now and been invited to take root. Overall, it’s peaceful here.

Yesterday, I took note of the bamboo shoots at our friends’ house that surround their koi pond and reach 20 feet to the sky with their delicate open hands at each growing segment of smooth green stalk. I meditated there for a tiny moment (a micro-meditation).  “It’s all still here”, I thought, meaning all that we left four years ago. It’s nice to reflect on the permanency of things. People here are still doing what they do, talking like they talk, moving through life the way they move. When we feel out of our element and far from home, we can find comfort in the reliability that others have, even while it isn’t ours right now. When there is so much in transition and so many loose ends, it helps somehow to know that a routine lifestyle is possible to achieve again… someday… hopefully soon. When there are just not enough “crises” at work to keep our minds temporarily distracted from the present truth—to keep us oblivious to the weight and significance of each moment we spend here—watching the day-to-day lives of those around us taking place is a kind of solace.

We are in the temporal doldrums of a heretofore unnavigated sea, adrift in a sense, and watching each day as it unfolds in its own unique way. Last night ended with me playing the part of the “carpet monster” fending off multiple pillow attacks coordinated by a 2 and 4 year old. I was finally vanquished in a combined assault that left me fatally blinded by a flashlight and laying in the groaning throws of demise. I loved every minute of giggling chaos, and fell asleep smiling as the victors snoozed in their jammies. It was an awesome end to an otherwise unproductive day at work. I guess the important stuff got taken care of.

At the end of today, we’ll have the good fortune of spending the evening with Marty and two of the "three blonditos" (Kayla and Paige), who are making their way over from Fairfield for the night. My hope is that there will be something like this to remember from each day we are here, and even if it doesn’t yet come in the form of a call (“the call”), there will be special moments we get to spend with our friends and family as we wait in this semi-final stretch. I’ll hold onto those special moments together with close friends and occasional family as we wait in our proverbial makeshift flotilla, lashed together with the hope that we’ve weaved over the last several months, with hardly a breeze in our sails. Not exactly castaways, but still praying for tradewinds to blow and currents to take us to the right destination, as we move languidly over this unknown ocean.   

"Don't Worry"

We were reminded this morning of a prayer we learned in our training with the agency:

May you have freedom from fear

May you have peace in your heart and mind

May you have health

May you have ease of well being!

It got me thinking about a favorite song, organization and movement, Playing For Change. I encourage you all to look into their website (www.playingforchange.com) and prepare to be uplifted.
 

And, if these eerily calm and quiet, uncharted waters are too discomforting for you to sail on while we wait, play this and prepare to smile. http://www.playingforchange.com/episodes/4/Dont_Worry

 

Metta!

Landing in California!

  

It was a late night, but we finally made it after two delayed flights. Our trusty friend, Lisa, was there to pick us up and we got settled into our new "home office" today after some much needed rest.

 

Tiffany was particularly happy on this landing. This year, in the time since we've applied to grow our family, she's flown to Hawaii, England, El Salvador, Las Vegas, New York, Burkina Faso and now Sacramento. That's 25 legs of flying so far. On each flight, she's been counting down to the last one of the year when we'll bring our baby home. When we book that return to Colorado for two adults and a lap child, she can retire her tired wings and marvel at the wonder that is motherhood.

 

In the meantime, there's work to do. This is a shot of how we're getting anything done at work until we get that call to come to meet our baby girl. And yes, we actually are working. :-)