False Evidence Appearing Real

Okay, so I stole that title and the photo from another blog. It is particularly apt today, one of our darkest, most fearful yet. And, all of that fear is coming from our own, powerful, uncertain minds. It's yucky.

 

We started the day well. T called early this morning to talk about her week and what obstacles she's encountered. It has not been a good one for her. Part of it is her feeling pressured to meet us, which we were trying to prevent her from feeling. However, that is a very small part and the rest of it has nothing to do with us. Try telling that to our panicked and scared versions of Josh and Tiffany.

 

It's quite easy to get lost in the horror stories of adoption on the Internet and become convinced that if your birth mother isn't ready to meet you, she probably isn't pregnant at all and is just stringing you along. I feel dirty just writing it. It's also not rational because we have a document confirming her pregnancy from a doctor. It's a terrible place to get stuck, but it's pretty hard to get out of there with your wits about you.

 

I'm no stranger to irrational, unfounded fears. I'm sure you all feel uneasy when you look at the photo below.

 



 

However, I'm betting that when your stomach turns upon the sight of this ship struggling at sea, you're not thinking about the fish in the water that will inevitably eat the crew if the ship goes down. Didn't think so. But, that's where I end up worrying most. See? Crazy, right? I know.

 

That's the hardest part. We know we are so fortunate to have such a great, communicative relationship with T ahead of delivery. We feel lucky that she's shared so much and plans for us to be involved from the very earliest days of Meadow's life. But hope and fear are a thin line apart and crossing the line to the darker side can be dangerous and lead you to a tailspin of doubt. Again, yucky.

 

So, we draw on some amazing experiences that we've shared together to take us to a happier, more peaceful, place. We get to close our eyes and remember the hikes we've taken in the back country of Yosemite National Park, the peaceful deck overlooking a pond under a giant Japanese maple in the Botanical Gardens in Golden Gate Park or the quiet of the savanna waiting for an elephant to appear at the Niger River for an evening bath. We have these memories to rely on, but times are hard and we need more!

Comments are open! Please share a favorite peaceful experience for us to meditate on. The more descriptive the better. Thank you for your help in bringing us back up out of the dark waters.