Complete Trust

On this, the actual calendar date of our wedding anniversary, we are grappling with what seems to be our imminent reality. It feels like this baby was not meant to come home with us. One of us still has about 1% of hope left, but it is not feeling very good right now. No matter how it turns out, ours would not qualify for "a beautiful adoption love story", at least not in our book.

We can at least say that we did this with open hearts, complete trust and a willingness to look past a lot of the doubts and fears that nagged at us the entire time. We decided it was better, even despite the intense residual pain of our loss last year, to let our guard down and reopen our hearts. We committed at the beginning of this to take on anything that might come our way, trust openly, and remain positive and compassionate. We knew there was risk, but we dove in anyway.

We have written daily journal entries to this baby girl and kept a candle of hope burning for her safe delivery. We gave her a name, shared our dreams with her through meditation, and continue to send our love out to her and her mother each and every night. The nursery (complete with painted animals, stars on the ceiling, thoughtfully tied ribbons and a full wardrobe of the most adorable little clothes in every shade of pink imaginable) could be a painful reminder of what was not to be when we open that door upon returning home.

Or, it can remind us of everything we’ve all done to show how much we all cared for her. We let her in completely, and it felt so good to have that hope in our lives again. We’ve been able to envision each other in the role of kind and loving parents again, and it has been beautiful. Even now as we add what feels like the next inevitable loss to our list, we still don’t regret taking a position of complete and total hope instead of fearing for the worst the entire time.

Now, as we watch it all crumble in our grasp at what feels like the end of this dream, at least we still know what is most important, and that is our love and complete trust in each other. Thank you for the amazing love and support we’ve received throughout this process from all of you. We've committed to go through anything, including anything like this, with love for each other as the constant, unbroken thread. We have good examples of that love from our parents, too. Some people have no clue what it means to love someone like that, so for those of us who do, we should consider ourselves fortunate.

Something just has to add clarity tomorrow. For the one of us with a sliver of hope left that all of our fears will fade and give way to the love of a new daughter, keep us in your thoughts tonight. We're waiting as fast as we can to get to the end of this, one way or another.