The Making of a Personality

We learned a lot about our children's development this weekend. We studied Erik Erikson's Theory of Personality and the life-stage virtues acquired through 8 stages of development. It was a useful session in Parenting 101. Two friends have already tapped my brain about the phase their child is in now. I do think it's insightful information for all parents.

However, we got the extra special version. Our kids will need to experience these developmental phases with their peers for sure. They'll need to learn to make decisions and develop some self confidence about their place in this world. They will also have an additional adoption component sitting on their shoulders.

Always eager for the "instructions" or "rules to follow" on how to do things in life, I was all over this. I thought this was going to be the making of a how-to guide to make sure that being adopted doesn't stamp "I have issues" all over our kids' little foreheads. We learned that when our little ones go through the phase of "I can do this myself!" when they're two years old, they'll have a little birdie on their shoulder reminding them to test just how far we'll walk away from them as they try. Will we relinquish them all over again if they push us away? And, when they're in that teenage phase of trying to identify just who they are, they'll have an additional set of questions about their biological roots as well.

But what I really took away from this session was that ever-present reminder that we're all different. That our life events will affect us differently and that our environments to handle those challenges will help shape how we move through them. Our role as parents isn't to teach our kids that they should be testing us to know that we won't relinquish them, but to be aware that they might be doing that subconsciously. There is not one right way that we can answer a set list of questions they'll have about adoption, but we had better be ready for the curve balls that their curious minds will throw our way. With the discussion around their experience from the point of view of three adoptees in the group, I feel better prepared for that eventuality. It provided a well-rounded perspective about what it is like to be adopted and how a compassionate environment is key to supporting our kids' inevitable need to know.