If you haven't been on the TaJ adventure train from the early, dusty, desert days of Niger, you might have missed that our matrimonial beginnings took root in Yosemite National Park. Long before that, I grew up spending summer camping trips in Yosemite Valley. Josh and I took a month long backpacking trip that started in the Valley when we first returned from the Peace Corps. He proposed on the top of Upper Yosemite Falls. The place is just special.

We're pretty darn close to the park right now, but we're not willing to make the trip into the park and be out of cell range, in case the BND rings (see earlier post for definition). So, we were thrilled tonight when we sat down in front of the TV and turned on the local public station. They were showing a special on exploring Yosemite. They hit our highlights and I cried through most of it. Who says you don't get all the emotional hormones raging if you adopt?!

Today is Meadow's official due date. It's 8:30 pm, and we haven't heard anything yet. T let us know yesterday that she spent the day cleaning the house. That is reported to be a sign that the baby is coming when mama starts to get the "nest" in order.

Another commonly held belief is that the full moon cycle often sends women into labor. There are many references to our connection with the full moon throughout this blog. We were pretty excited when Meadow's due date got changed (even though it was two weeks later) and landed on a full moon.

My scientist mind wouldn't let me write about the pull of the moon on babies in tummies until I looked up some research, despite my heart's conviction that it means something to us. It turns out, there is little to no scientific evidence that a full moon will bring on labor. However, doctors and nurses often say that it does from experience in the hospital and Josh and I were both born within a day of the full moon. As most of you know, when you're trying to bring a baby out, you look for signs. I'm siding with the hippies and old wives on this one.

We have learned that the form that T needs to get to the birth father so he can relinquish (that's the official term for it) his rights is now in her hands. This week should bring some progress on the legal side and the delivery side. We're heading out to the hot tub to stare at the moon and think water-moving thoughts. Wish us luck for a long, sleepless night at the hospital down the street!

Good Fortune

Think back to when you were a kid in a pool in the summer. Inevitably, someone wanted to hold a contest to see how long you could hold your breath under water. You willingly join in, knowing that you can come up for air whenever you need to, but hoping you're not the first one. Now, you're down there, someone is hovering above the surface, looking warped and holding up a stopwatch to show you how long it's been since you all went under. The pressure is building in your chest and you've let out all of the air you can to occupy your questioning lungs, hoping they'll last just a little longer. When you've reached your limit, you give it a couple more seconds and finally, the explosive gasp as you push yourself back up and into the air. Ahhhhh, I am going to live!

That pressure was what we've been feeling build inside of us for two days. The release came with a simple "How's your day going?" text from T. Holy moly what a relief. She's still talking to us. (See earlier post about the comparison between early dating and not wanting to scare off a birth mother.) We were able to get a few, casual, non-reality related texts in before we all put our phones down for dinner. I felt 10 lbs lighter, until we gorged ourselves on Chinese food. See below.

We spent the day trying to busy ourselves again. We visited a local park that we'd read about before coming to California. It was going to be our peaceful, serene place in this town while we waited. Unfortunately, today was the day of a "Color Me Rad" foot race, complete with a rainbow of colored pouches all over the park and a very loud sound system motivating everyone with the likes of Billy Idol and Janet Jackson. Not too peaceful.

Still, we made our way to the Japanese Friendship Garden and found a spot to sit for a while. We watched the geese and tried to let the moments pass without thought...impossible.



Luckily, T did text. She has saved us from what we were turning into...criminals who don't even pay the measly fee to get into a Friendship Garden (wallet was in the car; a long hot, dusty walk away). We're not proud.



After our jaunt into the world of the those oblivious to our own personal waiting drama, we made our way to dinner. But, what did we see next door? A cookie shop! The guy behind the counter was from Haiti, so I rattled off the names of a few of the communities where our chapters are working and earned some kudos. Name dropping, EWB-USA style. Um, there were cookies everywhere, people. I was trying to make a friend with every intention of going there a LOT in the coming week. Shameless, I know. I have a problem.

Then, the feeding frenzy continued. When we placed our order at the Chinese food place, the waitress actually stopped us with "I think that's enough." Woah! I didn't know there was a limit. Hopefully it's not too obvious when we get back that we eat when we're anxious.

As we settle into another distracting movie, I am reflecting on the positive superstitious events of the day. First was this beauty crossing our path in the garden:

If you're born close to Halloween, you see these as a good luck charm, not bad.

And, there's the ever-present, rarely fortune-telling, fortune cookie at the end of the gorging in the Chinese restaurant. Mine read: "You will soon bring joy to someone dear to you." We're considering all of you dear to us and we hope to bring Meadow into all of our lives very soon.

 

Here's to tomorrow! May the countdown begin...only 7 days, at the most, until something happens.

Great Expectations

I have a friend I've known since college who taught me a great lesson about expectation. He told me he wouldn't get his girlfriend a gift just because she expected it. He should only get her something because he wanted to, and he didn't want to with all the mounting expectation for Valentine's Day. So, nothing is what she got. Ouch!

Through the continuing trepidation from yesterday, something clicked for me today. I realized that the only reason we are struggling with the latest round of news from T is that we had built up expectations about how this would go. (See previous post about "what to expect". Seems I'm not a fast learner.) Sure, we had talked with her and had agreed on what she said she wanted. But we told her then, and every day since then, that however she wanted this to go is the way it would end up going, with no objections from us. So, who are we to back out on that now? She deserves the right to change her mind as reality sets in and emotions are high. We signed up for the ride and promised each other we'd hang on.

The last couple of days have been really hard. T is withdrawing from communications directly with us and the explanation is that we likely represent her reality, which isn't all that happy right now. Still, she's making plans for us to be at the hospital. If we could just put aside all that we had come to expect about how this would go, I think we'd be happy with the path we're on. Compared to the level of communication we had before though, this is much scarier. So, we looked for something else to do today besides wait for the phone to ring.

We went to the hospital to get the "lay of the land". We met with the social worker there who will handle the case when she goes into labor and delivery. It was a great meeting and we're all bracing for a lot of unknowns. Still, the support was welcome and refreshing. We know where to go and who to look for. We just don't know when T will be there, or when she will ask us to show up. We also learned that the hospital would likely wait 7 days past her due date before inducing her. So, for all of you wondering if there's a baby yet...hang on for 8 more days. Something should happen by then, right?

We spent the evening occupying each second with something mindless. Our surroundings provided plenty of distraction. We were even grateful that we forgot where we parked because, well, walking further took up another 10 minutes that we weren't waiting for a call. Here are some highlights from our trip to the last Farmers Market of the season around here.

The hospital where we hope to spend a few days real, real soon.

Huh?

A shout out to Mama P!

Unlikely footwear of the runners in a fundraiser race for cancer that we watched.

Pose with, but don't touch, the old truck at the car show.

Speaks for itself.

The start of an exciting full moon weekend, hopefully!

Again, huh? Not sure what is being sold here.

Tiffany's new, super cute farmer's market-y t-shirt.

 

No, we haven't opened it yet. However, this "Daddy/Daughter Duck" is ready for a swig.
(I love the packed baby bag in the background of this shot. Don't judge!)

All that, plus a soak in the hot tub, took us a good five hours out of the room. We know we're all over the place. We're doing the best we can. Thanks for trying to keep up.

False Evidence Appearing Real

Okay, so I stole that title and the photo from another blog. It is particularly apt today, one of our darkest, most fearful yet. And, all of that fear is coming from our own, powerful, uncertain minds. It's yucky.

 

We started the day well. T called early this morning to talk about her week and what obstacles she's encountered. It has not been a good one for her. Part of it is her feeling pressured to meet us, which we were trying to prevent her from feeling. However, that is a very small part and the rest of it has nothing to do with us. Try telling that to our panicked and scared versions of Josh and Tiffany.

 

It's quite easy to get lost in the horror stories of adoption on the Internet and become convinced that if your birth mother isn't ready to meet you, she probably isn't pregnant at all and is just stringing you along. I feel dirty just writing it. It's also not rational because we have a document confirming her pregnancy from a doctor. It's a terrible place to get stuck, but it's pretty hard to get out of there with your wits about you.

 

I'm no stranger to irrational, unfounded fears. I'm sure you all feel uneasy when you look at the photo below.

 



 

However, I'm betting that when your stomach turns upon the sight of this ship struggling at sea, you're not thinking about the fish in the water that will inevitably eat the crew if the ship goes down. Didn't think so. But, that's where I end up worrying most. See? Crazy, right? I know.

 

That's the hardest part. We know we are so fortunate to have such a great, communicative relationship with T ahead of delivery. We feel lucky that she's shared so much and plans for us to be involved from the very earliest days of Meadow's life. But hope and fear are a thin line apart and crossing the line to the darker side can be dangerous and lead you to a tailspin of doubt. Again, yucky.

 

So, we draw on some amazing experiences that we've shared together to take us to a happier, more peaceful, place. We get to close our eyes and remember the hikes we've taken in the back country of Yosemite National Park, the peaceful deck overlooking a pond under a giant Japanese maple in the Botanical Gardens in Golden Gate Park or the quiet of the savanna waiting for an elephant to appear at the Niger River for an evening bath. We have these memories to rely on, but times are hard and we need more!

Comments are open! Please share a favorite peaceful experience for us to meditate on. The more descriptive the better. Thank you for your help in bringing us back up out of the dark waters.

What To Expect When You're Expecting

Isn't that a presumptuous tone? Any of you who have had kids, through any means, are fully aware of the irony encompassed in that clever title. Still, entire industries are built up around convincing us that we can prepare for the journey into parenthood. Parents-to-be get the impression that if they buy enough, or read enough, or ask enough questions, they'll be ready. Then the journey begins.

It's a brand new twist around every turn. Maybe you lose that baby, there could be twins in there, surprise you're having a girl instead of a boy and despite all of your reading on a natural childbirth you're having an emergency c-section after a round of pitocin. If nothing that dramatic happened to you, consider whether or not you looked, felt or experienced all that you thought you would. No one can tell me that they know what I should expect when I'm expecting. But, I read the books and watch the movies anyways.

We watched What to Expect When You're Expecting tonight in our hotel room. If you're just starting to read our blog, skip the backlog and watch the movie. We've experienced some of almost every story in the film, and it's been a long and bumpy ride. Sometimes it's even been as funny!

We signed papers with the California agency today. This means they can move forward with getting ready to process our adoption once she's born. It was an exciting step to feel like we were doing something to progress.

However, we learned later that T is having a hard week. She is having second thoughts about our plans to meet ahead of time. We're just going to have to take this one day at a time and at her pace.

Josh and I take a lot of evening walks in our neighborhood. Sometimes, one of us will get an urge to test our trust in each other and grab the other person's arm, close our eyes and ask them to guide us on our path. Now if you knew our neighborhood and the century old, tree-root-raised slate sidewalks we have around us, you'd know that this is a big test of trust. The person with their eyes closed always slows way down and puts their hands out for caution. Eventually, we have to open our eyes because we just know that the sighted person will lead us over a bump without warning and we'll fall flat on our face. We're never where we thought we were before we gave in and looked around. Try it. It will test your nerves.

That is what this is like. We are in the dark and feeling our way forward, tentatively. We have each other's arms to hold onto and that's our focus. Eventually, we'll open our eyes and realize that we can jump back into our old pace and keep moving. Until then, we're just easing along.

Relationship Rules

Ask any old boyfriend, or Josh for that matter, I've never been good at following those dumb rules about 'when to call' and 'how long to wait for a returned message' and 'how to be coy'. It just feels like a waste of time. I have to say, it's been pretty refreshing to not have to worry about that phase of new relationship dos and don'ts for the past twelve years. And now, enter the days before meeting our birth mother.

More than one friend has pegged this phase of our adoption correctly by referencing those early days of wondering just how much to demonstrate that you're interested. Since July 5th, each day has been spent trying to think if we have anything meaningful, but not too pushy, but sweet and genuine to write to T about. Initially, almost every text generated a returned phone call. I sparked the exchange every few days or so and our conversations were long, meaningless and carefree.

Now that the inevitable is upon us, our communication is short, to the point and mostly through texting and emoticons (which I have to continually research to avoid misinterpreting what they mean and ultimately how she's feeling - Luddite that I am). It's getting harder and harder to come up with something new to inquire about to try to spark a conversation, and sometimes my seemingly brilliant electronic taps on her shoulder go unanswered altogether. As any new significant other (dare we call them 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend') will tell you, what you are capable of imagining when they don't call back can be quite discouraging. And then, they call. You learn that their phone dropped in the water, or they forgot to charge it, or they were cooking dinner, or they just fell asleep after an exhausting day.

If we're supposed to base our expectations on past history, one of those is the reason for the silence this evening. I no longer worry about the lack of communication from T, I just get more curious until she calls back. And, I know that she will.

What I do know about today is that T was supposed to meet with the new CA agency. Hopefully that meeting went well and hopefully she feels good about the next steps. Most hopefully, she fills us in on the details when her phone is charged, or her kids are fed, or she's simply comfortable to do so. But if not, we'll be here, picking out different outfits for that 'first date' or trying to think of a clever, but genuine, way to express our affection the next time she texts.

Everything with her still seems to end in some form of 'lol' or 'lmao', so I'm :0) with that.

Home Sweet Home (away from home, again)

We moved on from our comfortable quarters today and into a hotel that is near the hospital where T will deliver. It was a three-hour trip filled with much curiosity and more pondering how the coming weeks will unfold. We texted T to let her know we were going to be around and that if she wanted to meet, we will be just a quick ride away. That important meeting is still looming out there for all of us. We're assuming she's nervous about it. We definitely are.

We thought we were calm, collected and ready to move into our own space to "nest" a bit where we'll bring her "home" for the first time. Then we arrived.

It is a fantastic suite. We're getting free breakfasts and dinners, a full kitchen and a super comfy, big bed. There's a pool, jacuzzi and a tub to soak in. Oh, and there are fresh cookies at the desk, all of the time. Yay! Despite all these fancy pants details, we were definitely not under the impression that we are here on a mindless vacation.

Within about 10 minutes of wheeling our bags in and starting to set them up, Tiffany got dizzy and a little off-kilter. Nothing to worry about, it's just how her body says (make that SCREAMS) "WOAH! Did you know you're undergoing some major emotional ride right now?!" Duh. Hello, body. Catch up, would you?! Remember when some of you commented on how well we're handling all of this? Well, this is what happens when she handles it well. Her body thinks she's not paying attention and forces a little slow down.

We went to dinner and afterwards we came back, lit some candles and sat holding hands. We each got to touch in and say what we were feeling. It helped tremendously.

We began to settle into our home away from home. Tiffany unpacked everything and found a home for all of Meadow's little essentials. Josh worked for an hour on the ins and outs of one of our three baby carriers. He's got it down pat. Luckily, the bottle of tequila we were gifted yesterday makes a perfect weight with which he can practice. (No, we're not opening it yet.) Yeah, we feel ready.