Grateful for the Strength of Hope

It feels worth it to check in on how I'm feeling tonight after such a fun weekend with family. If you haven't experienced significant loss in life (YAY!), you might not be aware of the mixed up emotions that come with it. At any peculiar trigger, I could be feeling relieved, sad, grateful, angry, hopeful and deprived. So, sometimes I like to call it like it is and own what I'm going through.

We had originally planned to be in Texas this week, celebrating Thanksgiving for the first time with my family there. When we found out about the fake match, we paid the change fee and scheduled my parents' flight to us instead, so they could meet the baby. The beginnings of a plan for a Welcome Home Party began and it was to be yesterday.

We had a wonderful weekend exploring the mountains of Colorado for a couple of beautiful and warm fall days. Only a couple of times did I express the pang of sadness that the reason for this visit didn't come to fruition. It mostly surfaced when we were in a shop selling Christmas decorations and the realization that the anniversary of another year without adding to our family of two is fast approaching. But even that familiar annual tummy knot was unraveled by the hope that the remaining months of the year will bring our baby(ies) home. That is what is worth mentioning; hope is winning these days.

When we experience grief over a loss, real or only the loss of something hoped for, certain things trigger the flood of emotions to return. For me, the triggers usually relate to a planned event that won't happen now as a result of the loss. I expected to be pretty down yesterday anytime that it hit me that we were "supposed to be" welcoming our baby girl home with dozens of friends and family around to share in the celebration, but I really wasn't down at all.

I enjoyed the visit and was grateful that my family wasn't that of the trolls that roam the earth to make others miserable. It marked the beginning of a week focused on all of our blessings and the good life for which we can be thankful. Team Hope expanded and we're gaining momentum. The dream that our babies are making their way to us in this very moment burns bright inside me right now.