Right Feels So Much Better Than Wrong

I've allowed myself to analyze why we're a little more nervous with this match than we were the first time. Sure, I think everyone would agree that it's to be expected. The reality is that we were burned and now we're more cautious with our hearts, but still really, really hopeful and excited at the same time.

When we suffered our miscarriage last year, we were really angry that the experience would rob us of our chance to just be joyful when the opportunity came up again. We felt we would always be scared that the same thing would happen the next time. When we were matched earlier this year, we were elated to realize that our 2011 loss had not made it impossible to find joy in the hope again. We were unequivocally excited about welcoming a new baby into our home and hearts. Now, I realize that this ability to see the difference in the two types of risk seems to be what made that renewed hope possible.

This time around, the risk is more similar to our fake match earlier this year than our loss last year. When we find ourselves in similar emotional situations as we were in back in August and September, that's when the hope falters in its attempt to beat out the fear.

Just like in July, we had a potluck with our adoption group scheduled for the weekend after we found out about our match. Just like in July, we felt nervous about sharing the news with the other waiting couples in our group and prayed that they knew how much we are hoping and waiting with them as well, even as we begin our journey with a new birth mother. Not like in July, Sunday we had the new sensation of sharing exciting news with a little hint of reservation dulling the glimmer in our eyes. Don't get me wrong, we're definitely hopeful, but man that trip to California really stung.

I know you all waited with us while we were in Fresno for some positive news that S was going to her appointments and getting legal paperwork done. We felt that you shared in our disappointment at every report that she had failed to make the date again. Well, I have good news for you to soak in with us!

Feeling a little uncertain about how committed I was becoming to Baby Boy Schnabel, I checked in with the agency on the way home from the potluck yesterday. The response was that she can't wait to meet us this Friday and she has completed the legal documentation. Wow, something going as expected, that's different. And man, does it feel great!

Tonight, we bought what we hope will be his cozy, leaving-the-hospital outfit. When I told the 8 month pregnant woman behind the counter that we were having a boy too, but we had her beat by about a month, her eyes literally went directly to my stomach. I explained that we were adopting. Wadling around in her 8th month, she just melted and exclaimed how jealous she was of me right now. I wished her good luck as we walked out of the store. We could all use it!