...the rest of that line in the song remains to be seen tonight.
I was supposed to leave for Thailand tomorrow. When we made those reservations, we knew that we were foregoing any tree shopping, decorating and Winter Solstice celebrations, at least in any typical TaJ fashion. While Thailand would've been a holiday season to remember, I was a little down in the mouth about missing the festivities at home. So, when our plans changed last week, I was happy to get back to settling into the spirit of the season.
Tonight, we got our tree. I have the ornaments laid out all over the floor awaiting their special place on the lit branches. Each one holds a treasured memory for us and each Christmas season seems to start with the unwrapping of the ornaments as if they themselves were the gifts to be celebrated.
Last year, we received a beautiful set of 12 wooden ornaments intricately carved out like snowflakes. I was laying them out, trying to figure out how to display them in a fun way and then it hit me. For the first Christmas in six years, my daydream about having a little one to cuddle under the tree was finally going to come true! I went ahead and let a few tears of joyous relief squeeze out. Then, the BND rang.
It turns out tomorrow's meeting isn't going to happen. A is feeling really physically ill and canceled our introduction. In fact, the words used were "we need to reschedule the meeting", but by the end of the call, nothing was rescheduled. We've been encouraged not to start thinking the worst, but this is like a bad recurring dream.
Apparently, she also broke down earlier this week when it came time to actually sign relinquishment papers. Consider the weight of her decision becoming very real all of a sudden as she read the legalese describing what would happen next and you can put yourself in her uncertain shoes. Still, she signed, so there's hope.
We are compassionate people, so we can appreciate the unease. It must be the hardest decision to make in a prospective birth mother's life, deciding to place her baby in the care of someone else. Also, I have too many close friends who I've nursed through the final weeks of pregnancy not to have a picture of how uncomfortable it all becomes at the end. We can certainly appreciate that her position is one that needs a lot of support right now.
Then, there's us. I don't know how we would take news like this if we hadn't endured our CA saga. Maybe we should know that these ups and downs are expected. Unfortunately, we don't have the luxury of imagining this in a more positive light because, in fact, CA did happen. It has left us resigned with the notion that if this is going to happen, it will happen, whether or not we hope and dream about it, or whether or not we worry ourselves to sleep about it.
All we could do tonight was hug, cry some fearful tears (yes, all that water moving around in my eyes for opposite reasons in the same night, told ya it would be a roller coaster) and then get back to the business of celebrating our lives together with our annual unveiling of the tree ornaments to the sound of Harry Connick Jr. singing carols (yummy! - sorry guys).
If that little boy wants to join us for the season, this is what will greet him when we carry him through the front door (trust us, it's 8' of beauty with the lights off and the twinkling happening). We're still hopeful that he'll join us soon. We're asking again for your prayers, good vibes and love beams tonight. Peace.
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| Click on the photo and you might find my favorites: Christmas giraffe, Christmas chicken, Santa riding a sun, a golden Christmas fish, a plush Christmas gecko, and Josh's beautiful commemorative ornament for our Solstice Baby last year. |
